How should you confront an employee who’s chronically late, a CFO who’s suspected of embezzling company funds, or a daughter who lies about her late nights with her “gangster boyfriend”? Failed promises, missed expectations and poor behaviors can create feelings of disappointment that compound into chronic problems for families, teams and organizations. This book equips you with the skills to confront disappointing performance and behaviors, so you can solve problems, improve accountability, and strengthen relationships.
In a previous book, the authors addressed how to deal with crucial conversations, which are about handling disagreements. Crucial confrontations are about disappointments, which arise when people don’t do what you believe they should be doing; these involve broken promises/rules, missed expectations or bad behaviors.
In this article, we’ll briefly outline what’s involved in handling crucial confrontations, before, during and after the confrontation. For the full details, examples and tips, do get a copy of the book, or get a detailed overview with our complete book summary bundle.
The authors studied more than 25,000 people across many institutions for 2 decades, shadowing opinion leaders and influencers for over 10,000 hours, to identify what made them effective. The authors found that most organizations are losing 20-80% of their potential results due to their inadequacies in handling crucial confrontations. By improving relevant skills, companies have seen improved accountability and morale, to improve productivity by as much as 40%, reduce costs by 50% and improve employee satisfaction by 20%.
The success (or failure) of crucial confrontations depend on how and what we communicate. Before entering a confrontation, we need to establish what we are confronting, if we wish to confront it, and to ensure we approach it with the right frame of mind.
• Identify “What” to Confront. In the book / our full summary, we explain how to break down what you want to confront, using the “CPR approach”, how to unbundle and expand the list of issues, and prioritize what’s the most important.
• Decide “If” you should Confront it. Generally, there are 4 signs that you should be speaking up; we explain these scenarios in the book / full summary, and also touch on how to deal with cases where you decide to make a stand about something no one else cares about.
• Master Your Stories (Sort out your Headspace). The first few seconds of a crucial confrontation can shape the tone of the conversation and outcome; with the wrong approach, the other party will just get defensive, violent, and/or clam up. Understand how the “Path to Action” works, and how to explore different perspectives using the six-cell model. [Get the full details from the book, or get a detailed breakdown of the process, including the 6 sources of influence, from our full 14-page summary].
Once you’re clear on the issue that you wish to confront, and are looking at the other person as a human being (rather than a villain), you’re ready to begin. This phase is about describing the gap, focus on keeping it safe, and making it motivating and easy for the person to commit to being accountable. • Describe the Gap. A gap, refers to the difference between what’s expected and what actually happened. In the book / our complete 14-page summary, we explain how to create a safe space for the conversation, how to address the gap and share your path, before trying to secure an agreement.
• Motivate Others to Want to Take Action. Motivation is not about power and perks; it’s about consequences. In the book / full summary, we elaborate on how to focus on “natural consequences”, how to tailor your approach to the situation, what to look out for, and how to finish well.
• Make it Easy to Keep Commitments. It’s your job as a leader to make things easier and more desirable, to remove long-term barriers to results. The book elaborates on what it means to involve others and get their buy-in. Get our full book summary for a detailed breakdown of the components.
• End off by popping a verifying question to check that all key motivation and ability issues have been addressed.
• Stay Focused and Flexible. Even if you’ve considered your “what” and “if” carefully, you may find new issues and problems emerging as the conversation unfolds. In the book / full summary, we explain 4 emergent problems that you’re likely to face, and how you can handle them.
By now, we have an agreement and commitment to a specific plan. It’s crucial to follow up, and the authors recommend the “WWWF” framework: Who does What, by When, and Follow up.
Here’s a high-level recap of the Crucial Confrontations framework:
The book ends with an extended example to show how a husband applies the principles above, to address his concerns of his wife’s possible infidelity. It also includes other resources including:
• A self-assessment survey to understand how you typically handle crucial confrontations;
• Additional diagnostic questions for the 6 sources of influence;
• Tips for motivating with praise; and
• Questions for group discussions.
You can download some of these resources at https://www.vitalsmarts.com/. Do get a copy of the book for the full details, get our full Crucial Confrontations summary bundle for a powerful overview of the steps, processes and techniques involved. Do also check out our Crucial Conversations summary for more powerful tips on how to handle disagreements in high-stake conversations!
Master your Crucial Confrontations today!