How do you deal with topics that are sensitive yet important to you? Our daily interactions can hold pivotal moments, with outcomes that affect the quality of our relationships, careers and life. This book helps us to identify and effectively conduct “crucial conversations”, so we can overcome difficult or sensitive issues, to improve results and achieve our desired outcomes. In this summary, we’re going to give a synopsis of the 7 principles of crucial conversations.
The authors started with the goal to find out what makes some people more effective than others. They discovered that the most outstanding leaders are able to influence the outcomes of difficult but vital conversations, without offending others. By following these leaders, observing how they handled such crucial conversations, developing and testing theories and tools, the authors developed the tips in this book. We’ll now explain what’s crucial conversations and the 7 principles behind them.
Why Crucial Conversations
Crucial conversations involve 3 key components: high stakes, differing views, and strong emotions. They may not involve big issues, but their outcomes can affect the quality of our lives. For example, an innocent remark to your neighbor about their late night (noisy) parties can unexpectedly degenerate into a shouting match; overnight, your two families end up in a “cold war”, and both sides are unhappy.
Unfortunately, we are usually at our worst performance when faced with crucial conversations – because the issues are important (and often personal) to us, our emotions take over (pushing logic aside), and things start to spiral downwards.
When we enter a conversation, we bring along our beliefs, experiences, emotions, and perspectives – these jointly form our “pool of meaning”. Conflict arises when people hold different opinions and pools of meaning. Instead of a free and constructive exchange, people may become:
• Silent and withdrawn. They withhold their opinions for fear of confrontation, offending others or sounding stupid; or
• Violent and aggressive. They force their opinion on others, directly or indirectly (e.g. using sarcastic remarks, putting down others, or using authority to impose their views).
7 Principles to Master Crucial Conversations
Principle #1: Start with Heart
It’s easy to give in to our emotional impulses and make poor choices in the heat of the moment. Getting the right focus involves 2 components:
(a) KNOW AND FOCUS ON WHAT YOU TRULY WANT. Imagine this: You’ve just explained to your team how critical it is to complete the current project on schedule, and urge everyone to complete their assigned tasks by the week. One of your staff points out that 2 days ago, you agreed defer a vital input by another department, which caused a delay to your team’s output. You feel offended by this open challenge, and are tempted to dismiss the comment or to retort with a sarcastic remark. This is common problem in crucial conversations – we lose sight of our original goals, and become distracted by one of these less noble goals:
• Winning the argument or proving ourselves rights;
• Punishing the other person for making us feel embarrassed, disrespected, hurt; and/or
• Avoiding conflict.
(b) REFUSE THE FOOL’S CHOICE. Often, we mistakenly think there are only two options (e.g. talk to your spouse about her bad habit and make her unhappy, or avoid the topic altogether). During crucial conversations, we feel threatened, our brains shut down, and we’re even more likely to settle for the Fool’s Choice. The better approach is to realize that the options are not mutually-exclusive. It is possible to voice your concerns, while maintaining respect or a positive relationship. Get clear on what you truly want, what you truly don’t want, and figure out how to achieve both objectives. Use the word “and” to frame your question, e.g. “How can I talk to my spouse about her bad habit and not make her unhappy?”
Principle #2: Learn to Look
Become aware of non-verbal conversation cues (including your personal cues) that suggest a dialogue is breaking down, so you can bring it back on track. Get more details from the book or summary on the cues to look out for.
Principle #3: Make it Safe
Once you see signs that you or others feel unsafe, the best approach is to step out of the current conversation, restore safety, then resume the dialogue. In the book / summary, we address how to identify what’s at risk, and how to use 3 approaches to restore safety, so you can facilitate an open dialogue.
Principle #4: Master your Stories
To stay in constructive dialogue, you need to manage your emotions. This in turn requires that you understand the “Path to Action”, which explains why people react emotionally, and why the same circumstances may trigger different responses in different people. Essentially, we conjure stories about what’s happening around us, and these stories determine how we respond emotionally. In the book / summary, we’ll take a closer look at how the Path to Action works, the 3 types of stories that we tell ourselves, and how to master our stories.
Principle #5: State your Path
Now that you have your emotions in check, you need to master the art of sharing your views persuasively. Check out the book or summary for the 5 STATE skills to share your views without offending others.
Principle #6: Explore Others’ Path
By the time conversations turn crucial, the other party is already moving through their Path to Action. Besides managing our own emotions, we must help others to retrace their path. To do that, use the tips for restoring safety (Principle #3), and the 4 AMPP listening tools in the book /summary.
Principle #7: Move to Action.
Finally, we must convert the agreement into results, through specific decisions and follow up.
Other Details in “Crucial Conversations”
The book includes many useful case studies to illustrate crucial conversations at work at home and in the workplace, and how to apply the skills and tips to achieve your desired outcomes. There are also several useful exercises for you to practice handling difficult situations, a “Style Under Stress” survey and an entire chapter dedicated to examples of difficult or sensitive conversations. Some examples include: dealing with an overly-sensitive spouse, blatant disrespect, or under-performing teammates. Get a overview of the key ideas and tips in our Crucial Conversations summary bundle. For additional resources, videos and other useful materials, do get a copy of the book, or go to www.CrucialConversations.com/.
If you enjoyed this article, check out our crucial confrontations summary on how to deal with difficult conversations involving disappointments.
Master crucial conversations to get your desired relationships and outcomes!