Why do some romantic relationships thrive while others fail? ❤️In the book Attached, authors Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explain the science behind adult attachment and the reasons for common relationship challenges, with practical strategies for building stronger, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term relationship, Attached provides actionable tips to help you find and sustain the love life you desire. In this free attached book summary, we’ll explore the origins of adult attachment, the behaviors and needs of each attachment style and strategies for navigating different attachment styles in relationships.
Navigating Attachment in Adult Relationships 💑
The attachment theory explains why people behave the way they do in relationships. There are 3 main attachment styles—secure, anxious, and avoidant—that shape how we connect, communicate, and seek intimacy. It applies to all types of relationships, including romance, friendships, family, and colleagues.
In this book, psychologists Amir Levine and Rachel Heller focus on romantic relationships in adults, using their experience in psychiatry, neuroscience, and social-organizational psychology to translate scientific research into practical insights and strategies for romantic relationships.
In this free version of the Attached book summary, we’ll present the insights in 3 parts:
• The origins and foundations of adult attachment theory;
• The behaviors, traits, and challenges of each attachment style; and
• Practical strategies to find a compatible partner, navigate relationships effectively, and nurture secure, fulfilling relationships.
Part 1: Understanding the Adult Attachment Theory 🧠
Origins of Attachment Styles
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth developed the original attachment theory, focusing on the bond between infants and their primary caregivers. This bond is crucial for a child’s safety and survival, shaping how they handle relationships as adults.
Ainsworth’s experiments, including the “Strange Situation” test, identified 3 main attachment styles in children:
- Anxious: The baby is distressed when the mother leaves, and is both happy and angry when she returns.
- Avoidant: The baby seems indifferent when the mother departs or returns, but is actually stressed inwardly.
- Secure: The baby is upset when the mother leaves but quickly calms down upon her return.
Such attachment styles were initially thought to come solely from childhood interactions. However, research has since shown that genes and life experiences also play a part. Adults have been found to exhibit similar attachment styles.
These affect how we manage intimacy, conflict, dependence, and autonomy in adult romantic relationships:
- Anxious: People with this style crave intimacy, often worrying about their relationships and fearing their partners may not reciprocate their feelings.
- Avoidant: People with this style see intimacy as threatening their independence and prefer to keep a distance in relationships.
- Secure: People with this style are comfortable with intimacy and are typically warm and loving.
Every person has an attachment style 👫
We all have our attachment styles, which can change over time for about 1 in 4 people. That said, people with secure attachments generally report higher relationship satisfaction than others. The keys to a thriving relationship include developing a secure attachment style, finding a secure partner, or helping your current partner adopt a secure style.
Dependency in Relationships 💕
Challenging the self-sufficiency myth
There’s a long-standing misconception that people should be emotionally self-sufficient. In the 1940s, experts advised against “coddling” children, saying it would lead to emotional instability.
Early attachment research challenged this view. For example, infants that lacked attachment figures showed abnormal development even though they were well-nourished, proving that healthy development requires both emotional bonds and physical care.
Some modern self-help advice also promote strict independence and avoiding emotional entanglements.
Yet, human beings are biologically wired for connection.
In our 15-page Attached summary, we explore more insights on the importance of emotional connection in relationships, how healthy dependence on a partner strengthens both emotional and physical well-being, and how it can lead to greater independence.
Part 2: Understanding the 3 Attachment Styles
You can gain insight into your respective needs and behaviors by understanding your attachment style and your partner’s. Here’s a brief overview of all 3 styles. You can learn the detailed traits and behaviors of each attachement style in our detailed text, infographic and audio versions of the Attached book summary.
Secure Attachment Style
Individuals with a secure attachment style (“secure individuals”) are comfortable with intimacy and are generally warm and loving. They find it easy to depend on others and to have others depend on them. They do not worry constantly about being abandoned or their partner getting too close. As a result, they generally report higher satisfaction, commitment, and trust in relationships.
Anxious Attachment Style
Individuals with an anxious attachment style (“anxious individuals”) crave intimacy but worry constantly about their relationship stability. They need constant reassurance, potentially leading to clingy or dependent behavior.
Avoidant Attachment Style
Individuals with an avoidant attachment style (“avoidant individuals”) value independence and often see intimacy as a threat to their freedom. They may be uncomfortable with closeness and tend to keep their partners at arm’s length. Avoidants usually find it hard to express their emotions and may come off as distant or emotionally unavailable.
For details and examples of the traits and behaviors that people in the anxious and avoidant attachment style display, check out our comprehensive 15-page summary of the book Attached.
Part 3: Nurturing Secure, Fulfilling Relationships 💖
To nurture happy, fulfilling relationships, it’s crucial to understand both you and your partner’s attachment styles, adapt your responses effectively, and move toward a more secure relationship.
Identifying Your Respective Attachment Styles
Identify the attachment styles for you and your partner, to better understand yourselves and manage your needs/responses, leading to happier and more fulfilling relationships.
Refer to the traits/behaviors and behaviours of specific attachment styles, focusing on 2 attachment dimensions: intimacy and anxiety (see our diagram above).
(i) Intimacy: The extent to which you avoid intimacy and closeness
(ii) Anxiety: The extent to which you’re preoccupied with your relationship and your partner’s love or attention
Curious to know more how attachment styles vary in how comfortable people are with closeness (intimacy) and how much they worry about their partner’s love and attention (anxiety)? Check out our full Attached book summary!
If you’d like to decipher someone else’s attachment style, Levine and Heller provide us with the 5 Golden Rules, which will help us uncover our partner’s attachment style. We also explore the 5 Golden Rules in our full book summary.
Adopt Effective Strategies Based On Your Attachment Styles
Here’s an visual summary of how our attachment styles affect our romantic relationships. In our full book summary, we explain the nuances in detail and discuss what we can do about the potential conflicts.
Address Your Emotional Needs
Remember: there’s no such thing as a “good” or “bad” style. Your needs are valid, and they can be fulfilled with the right partner.
If you have an anxious attachment style, recognize that your needs for intimacy, availability, and security are valid. Learn to express those needs effectively, and find a partner who can meet them.
If you have an avoidant attachment style, learn to balance your need for independence with connectedness.
If you have a secure attachment style, you can probably sustain satisfying relationships with people of any attachment style. You can even help anxious or avoidant partners to become more secure over time by providing consistent support and comfort.
Adapt to Your Partner’s Needs
Next, you should try adapting to your partner’s attachment style.
In our complete book summary, we dive into practical strategies and tips including:
- Various strategies for adapting to anxious and avoidant styles;
- How to navigate the challenges of the anxious-avoidant trap, which can be particularly difficult; and
- Multiple strategies for developing healthy attachments and enhancing relationships, including tips for communication, conflict resolution, and surviving a breakup.
Getting the Most from Attached
If you’re ready to learn about your attachment style, identify a partner with a style you can navigate, and build a stable relationship, check out our full book summary bundle of the Attached summary. This includes an infographic, a 16-page text summary, and a 23-minute audio summary
Regardless of your current attachment style, you can learn to adopt a secure communication style for healthier, more fulfilling connections. Beyond the concepts in this summary, the book offers many other valuable resources to help you apply the insights in your life, such as real-life examples of couples who have overcome relationship challenges, interactive exercises to explore your own attachment style, and a detailed questionnaire to identify your attachment type. You can purchase the book here or visit attachedthebook.com.
Want to learn more about building happy, fulfilling relationships? Do also check out The Five Love Languages summary to master the language of love, and Nonviolent Communication summary to communicate and resolve conflicts more effectively.
About the Authors of Attached
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love was written by Amir Levine, and Rachel Heller.
Amir Levine, M.D. is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and associate professor of psychiatry and director of the SecureLab at Columbia University. He specializes in attachment-based treatments and supervises
therapists globally. He also has a private practice where he consults with individuals, couples, and families. His research and clinical work have significantly contributed to the development of adult attachment theory, especially how different attachment styles affect romantic relationships.
Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A. is a supervising psychologist with a master’s degree from Columbia University. She integrates attachment-based principles with cognitive behavioral therapy and other approaches in both her public sector work and private practice to help individuals improve interpersonal relationships.
Attached Quotes
“In a true partnership, both partners view it as their responsibility to ensure the other’s emotional well-being.”
“If you want to take the road to independence and happiness, first find the right person to depend on and travel down it with them.”
“Ineffective communication can be interpreted in different ways while effective communication has only one specific meaning.”
“Just because you can get along with anyone doesn’t mean you have to.”
“The more attuned you are to your partner’s needs at the early stages—and he or she to yours—the less energy you will need to expend attending to him or her later.”
“Dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference.”
“Attachment principles teach us that most people are only as needy as their unmet needs.”
Click here to download the Attached infographic & summary
