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Book Summary – You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters

Listening—we do this every day, yet most of us underestimate its complex workings and the profound impact on our lives and relationships. In this book, Kate Murphy shares interesting stories and robust research to help us understand the importance of listening, why we fail at it, and how we can become better listeners. This is not a technical how-to guide, but a book to transform how you see and connect with people around you. In this free version of the You’re Not Listening summary, you’ll learn how listening works, why it matters, and how to master the art of genuine listening.

You’re Not Listening…and Why That Matters

Listening is far more than just hearing words; it’s about fostering connection, awareness, and understanding. But how well do we truly listen? As a journalist, Kate Murphy had to listen frequently to others, yet she felt that her own listening skills weren’t up to the mark. This realization propelled her on a 2-year quest to research the biomechanics and neurobiology of listening. Along the way, she interviewed accomplished individuals to learn how they define, perceive, and practice the art of listening. This book captures her findings in 17 chapters with inter-connected themes and ideas. Let’s dive into some of the key ideas below.

What is Listening and How it Works

Listening is an active, multisensory process where sound waves are received by our ears, interpreted by our brains, and further contextualized by visual and other non-verbal cues.

Effective listening requires that you engage all your senses, setting aside your own agenda, biases, assumptions, and distractions. It involves a 2-way exchange where you open your mind, listen beyond words to discern emotional nuances, contexts, and intentions, and demonstrate your interest and understanding.

Signs of bad listening include: interrupting, giving unrelated responses, appearing distracted, or fidgeting constantly.

You're Not Listening - How we listen

The Neuroscience of Listening

When we listen to people, our brain processes not just the words, but also the pitch, tone, rhythm. Just consider the number of ways you can say the word “Sure”.

In a conversation, we interpret sounds along with other sensory cues. For example, lip-reading contributes up to 20% of our comprehension, and non-verbal cues (e.g. expressions and body language) carry >50% of a message.

We use different parts of the brain depending on how we receive or interpret the message. Biases and prejudices literally block out parts of the message. Our brain also processes info differently depending on which ear receives it.  In the complete 14-page version of the You’re Not Listening summary, we’ll dive deeper into the mechanics of listening.

Why Listening Is Important

Listening is essential for connection and building meaningful relationships. Without listening, we cannot understand other human beings. At a personal level, it affects our ability to be a good friend, parent, or partner. At a professional level, it affects our ability to understand our colleagues, serve our customers, or sell anything.

Listening is also essential for learning and personal growth. Through listening, we learn about others and ourselves. A keen listener can often help others to articulate the thoughts/feelings they hadn’t been able to express themselves. When someone listens intently to you, it also encourages you to listen deeply to yourself.

Real listening and connection (or a lack thereof) have tangible effects on our physical, mental and emotional well-being. A lack of real listening amplifies conflict and misunderstandings, hurts relationships, and contributes to our current epidemic of loneliness and disconnect. Such feelings of loneliness and isolation are linked to a host of health issues like heart disease, dementia, depression, and anxiety.

Kate Murphy shares numerous research findings and statistics that reveal the deep sense of disconnect and unhappiness in the digital age. Suicide rates alone have increased 45% globally in the past decade, with depression and the lack of meaningful connections as key contributors.

Mastering the Art of Genuine Listening

Fortunately, there are ways to overcome the common barriers to listening, improve your attitude and listening skills, and become a great listener. Here’s an overview of the range of insights and actionable strategies detailed in Kate Murphy’s You’re Not Listening.

You're Not Listening summary - how to be a good listener
Let’s outline these ideas briefly:

Avoid the assumption trap: You can never truly know someone’s mind, no matter how close you are. And, don’t assume others think like you.

• Set aside your agenda, expectations, and assumptions. Be open and curious about what you can learn.

• We think much faster than we talk, so our minds tend to wander. Great listening is about how you direct your mental focus during a conversation.

Manage your distractions, and pick a distraction-free environment for your conversations.

• Listening is more than hearing the words or literal content of what’s being said. Listen for emotional undertones, nuances, and hidden meanings.

Keep the attention on the speaker, instead of redirecting the conversation to yourself.

Learn to navigate differences and handle disagreements or opposing views, to broaden your perspectives, understanding, and solutions.

• Cultivate the patience and ability to listen to the pauses and silences. These can often convey much more than words.

Create a feedback loop: when you connect deeply, you literally sync your neural patterns to become more like-minded.

Pay attention to your inner tone and messages: how you speak with yourself often affects how you speak with others.

• Sound listening also makes a positive difference in gossip (as a form of social bonding and learning), and qualitative research.

• Active listening can be mentally and emotionally taxing, and it’s not sustainable all the time. Consciously choose when to listen and when not to.

More research details, examples, and applicable tips for each of these areas can be found in our complete You’re Not Listening summary bundle.

Getting the Most from You’re Not Listening

How well or badly you listen can decide whether you end up with understanding or misunderstanding, strengthening or hurting a relationship. If you’d like to zoom in on the ideas above and get more detailed insights, examples and actionable tips, do check out our full book summary bundle that includes an infographic, 14-page text summary, and a 23-minute audio summary.
You're Not Listening summary - book summary bundle

The book is packed with research references and anecdotes of Murphy’s interactions with writers, researchers, show producers, psychologists, hostage negotiator, coaches, and other personalities. You can purchase the book here or visit for more details.

Looking for more insights to improve your communications and relationships?  Do check out practical steps and tips on listening and communication in our Just Listen summary. Or, learn How to Win Friends & Influence People in the Digital Age!

About the Author of You’re Not Listening

You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters was written by Kate Murphy—a Texas-based journalist whose has written for The New York Times, The Economist, Agence France-Presse, and Texas Monthly. She covers a wide range of topics including health, technology, science, design, art, aviation, business, finance, fashion, dining, travel, real estate, and is best known for her work on the science behind human interactions.

You’re Not Listening Quotes

“Listening is more of a mind-set than a checklist of dos and don’ts.”

“It is only by listening that we engage, understand, connect, empathize, and develop as human beings.”

“To really listen is to be moved physically, chemically, emotionally, and intellectually by another person’s narrative.”

“To listen poorly, selectively, or not at all is to limit your understanding of the world and deprive yourself of becoming the best you can be.”

“You don’t need to act like you are paying attention if you are, in fact, paying attention.”

“Everybody is interesting if you ask the right questions. If someone is dull or uninteresting, it’s on you.”

“The worst questions are the ones that are never asked.”

“We only become secure in our convictions by allowing them to be challenged.”

“Connectedness is necessarily a two-way street, each partner in the conversation listening and latching on to what the other said.”

“Listening is your gift to bestow. No one can make you listen.”

Click here to download You’re not Listening infographic & summary

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