It can be frustrating to manage children’s tantrums and bedtime struggles. Yet, if you react with intense emotional outbursts, it can negatively impact your child and lead to regret later. In “Raising Good Humans,” Hunter Clarke-Fields explains how to raise kinder and more confident children by staying calm and communicating respectfully. This summary explores how to break the unhelpful cycle of reactive parenting, to adopt good parenting styles to raise cooperative, confident kids. We will also share an honest review of the book.
Raising Good Humans: An Overview
Good parenting is easier said than done. It’s easy to judge someone for shouting at their badly behaved child. However, try dealing with a child having a meltdown in a grocery store, and you’ll quickly realize it can be difficult to react calmly, and such instances can happen regularly when raising our kids. This indispensable guide offers powerful mindfulness skills for calming ourselves in times of stress. It also provides strategies for cultivating respectful communication, effective conflict resolution, and reflective listening.
Reactive vs. Responsive Parenting
Imagine this: You’re walking through the grocery aisles with your toddler, when they start grabbing everything colorful they see, including candy, toys, and books. Suddenly, they topple a stack of cereal boxes. This triggers a response of rage and frustration, which can be be hard to suppress or control. Why does this happen? Such a reaction is natural, and it comes from a part of the brain called the amygdala.
Here’s how it works: when you encounter something stressful, your amygdala becomes activated, and it hijacks the logical thinking part of your brain–the prefrontal cortex. This means that your actions are now controlled by the amygdala, rather than rational thinking. In this state of mind, we naturally react with rage, anger, or frustration. Fortunately, there are ways to mitigate these reactions.
Practicing mindfulness, which involves paying attention to your body and training your mind to be present and attentive, can help shrink the amygdala. This, in turn, allows for more logical reactions.
How Responding Differs From Reacting
Mindful parenting involves taking a pause before responding, which allows you to react calmly and thoughtfully to your child’s behavior. We will discuss specific techniques for becoming more mindful in parenting later. However, for the purpose of this summary, and to grasp the concept, here are some examples of what responding mindfully looks like:
• Taking a deep breath and calmly saying, “I see you’re upset; let’s talk about what’s bothering you.”
• Gently holding their hand and guiding them to a quiet spot, saying, “Let’s sit here and calm down together.”
• Getting down to their eye level and softly saying, “I understand you’re feeling big emotions right now; how can I help?”
Reactive Behavior can be Triggered by your Past
Sometimes, our reactions to certain things stem from past experiences that have left a strong impact on us. This can especially happen when dealing with our own children. For instance, imagine your 5-year-old accidentally breaks a vase and then starts laughing. This may make you very angry. But is it because you are afraid or is it due to something else? It can be helpful to recall a similar incident from your own childhood and remember how your parents reacted. How did their reaction make you feel?
Could your current reaction be similar to how your parents once reacted? And does understanding how their reaction made you feel as a child make you more empathetic towards your own child? Take some time to identify these triggers and then talk to yourself with compassion.
Learning to be Kind to Yourself and to Manage Stress
Don’t be hard on yourself for how you react to your children. Instead, author Hunter Clarke-Fields suggests practicing two things: acknowledging that our feelings are valid and practicing positive self-talk. Our emotions often signal some kind of threat or something important. Therefore, we shouldn’t feel guilty for expressing a specific emotion in a particular situation.
What we need to learn is how to manage strong emotions. We can do this by acknowledging them. Instead of denying or shaming ourselves for feeling a certain way, we should address that emotion directly. For instance, we can say, “Hello anger, I acknowledge your presence.” This triggers the prefrontal cortex, which was previously paralyzed, and allows us to start evaluating situations rationally.
Another way to show kindness to ourselves is through positive self-talk. For many parents, the inner voice can be quite critical, often focusing on blame and shame. The issue is that our external reactions often stem from our internal feelings.
So, the next time we react strongly to our child, instead of saying things like “You’re a terrible parent, you’re so aggressive, and your child would be better off without you,” we can say, “I noticed you were very upset when you yelled at your child. Something must be bothering you. Do you want to talk about it?” The way we talk to ourselves impacts how we talk to our kids.
Here’s an overview of some of the main parenting tips and strategies covered in the book.
Building Connection with your Child
As parents, we want to build profound connections with our children. One way to do this is by connecting with them. You can connect with your child through physical touch, like hugging or snuggling while watching their favorite show. Another way to connect is by playing their favorite game for 10 to 15 minutes daily. Working together at home, for example, taking care of the pets, can also help strengthen your bond with your child.
Mindful Parenting
Practicing mindfulness in the busyness of our lives can feel challenging. However, it’s still crucial that we find a way to incorporate it as it helps us be more present, calm, and curious when dealing with challenging situations with our kids. Author Hunter Clarke-Fields guides us through several easy and memorable mindfulness practices.
RAIN Meditation
RAIN meditation is a powerful tool that guides you through Recognizing, Allowing, Investigating, and Nurturing your emotions. First, you recognize what you’re feeling, then let yourself feel it without judging, and next, you dig in to figure out where it’s coming from. Finally, you show yourself some love and understanding. This helps you handle your emotions better and keeps them from getting in the way of your parenting.
Reflective Listening Techniques and Supportive Responses
Reflective listening means listening more than you talk. When you’re dealing with your children, this means you’re not asking questions or trying to solve problems about their feelings and experiences, and you’re not judging them. Instead, you’re helping your child identify and name their emotions and experiences. The goal is to help your child discover what they’re feeling and easily name it. There’s no judgment or punishment involved. Being a reflective listener is about mirroring, paraphrasing, and ultimately learning.
Here’s an example:
If your child says I don’t know why I knocked over the vase,
You might respond with “You wanted to see what would happen to it.”
Your child: “No, I didn’t want to break it.”
You: “You didn’t want to break it, but you knew it would break.”
Your child: “Yes. I thought you might get mad.”
You: “You wanted to see what Mommy would do.”
Your child: “I’m sorry I broke your vase.”
Furthermore, when your child has a problem, it’s important to be an understanding and cooperative parent. Some responses can make it harder to communicate and support your child.
Blame – “This is all your fault.”
Name-calling – “You’re being such a brat.”
Threats – “If you don’t listen, I’ll take all your toys away.”
Orders – “Do it now!”
Dismissiveness – “Just get over it.”
Solutions – “You should just…”
Easy Breathing Exercises and Meditation Tips
TIPI is a tool mentioned in the book to help parents become less reactive and more mindful.
TIPI stands for:
Take a breath
Investigate the emotion
Pause before responding
Intend a thoughtful response
This method encourages you to manage your body’s stress response, explore why you feel a certain way, think about your child’s perspective, and respond carefully and with purpose.
Take Care of Your Own Needs
It’s essential to prioritize your needs, just as much as you prioritize your child’s needs. By doing so, you not only take care of yourself but also become a role model for your children. Start by listing what you need, such as enough sleep, time with friends, or a morning walk, and make it a daily habit to fulfill these needs. This not only benefits you but also teaches your kids good behavior to follow.
Raising Emotional Resilient Children
Strategies for Helping Your Child Handle Difficult Emotions
Everyday squabbles are normal between parents and children, but it’s important to manage these situations when they arise. As mentioned earlier, the amygdala is activated during conflict, decreasing logical thinking. If you or your child is feeling intense emotions or experiencing a fight-or-flight response, good communication or problem-solving won’t come out of that situation. It’s best to wait until everything has calmed down before addressing the issue. Once you and your child have calmed down, talk about your needs. Your child might need attention while you prioritize safety.
Write down your various needs and then invite your child to pick the best solution that meets both needs. Finally, double check that your solution meets your and your child’s needs.
Encouraging Kindness, Compassion, and Confidence
To raise kind and compassionate kids, we should avoid certain parenting approaches. Punishments and permissiveness don’t help children in the long run. Punishments teach kids that power is most important and can harm them psychologically. Permissiveness makes kids think only of their needs and may not learn empathy and understanding. Balancing needs when resolving conflicts is a more effective approach.
Raising Good Humans Book Review
Raising Good Humans by Hunter Clarke-Fields is an essential guide for parents. It combines mindfulness theories and practical strategies, making it easy to understand and apply in everyday interactions with children. The book includes research and expert advice, helping parents understand not just how to parent, but why generational patterns and behaviors emerge.
What sets Raising Good Humans apart is its simplicity and clarity. It offers practical exercises in each chapter, allowing parents to revisit the book whenever they need a reminder or a new perspective on mindful parenting. However, some sections may feel repetitive.
Despite this minor flaw, Raising Good Humans consists of effective strategies for anyone looking to become a more mindful, compassionate parent. It provides guidance to improve parent-child relationships and understand the underlying dynamics of parenting behavior.
Who Should Read Raising Good Humans?
Raising Good Humans is a must-read for parents, caregivers, and educators who want to create a nurturing and mindful environment for kids. Furthermore, this book is really helpful for those looking to move away from reactive parenting and focus on kindness, confidence, and emotional intelligence in their children. Whether you’re a new parent needing basic strategies, a caregiver wanting to improve your approach, or an educator wanting to support kids’ emotional well-being, Hunter Clarke-Fields’ practical advice offers valuable guidance for maintaining a peaceful and connected family.
Other Recommended Resources
Many healthy parenting practices can help children acquire the skills, values, and virtues that form a positive sense of self. Here are some books that provide impactful parenting tips. As a book summary service, we have reviewed these parenting books and have found them absolutely worthwhile.
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, offers practical communication techniques to improve relationships and resolve conflicts between parents and children effectively.
The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read by Philippa Perry, provides insights into understanding your own upbringing to foster healthier, more empathetic relationships with your children.
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson, presents a brain-based approach to parenting that helps parents discipline their children in a calm, nurturing, and effective manner.
You can also enjoy the detailed summaries of these titles in infographic, text, and audio formats with our premium subscriptions.
About the Author
Raising Good Humans: A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids is written by Hunter Clarke-Fields. She is a mindfulness mentor, host of the Mindful Mama podcast, and creator of the Mindful Parenting course. Hunter holds a bachelor’s degree in fine arts and has over twenty years of experience in yoga and mindfulness practices.
Hunter’s work focuses on helping parents bring more calm and peace into their daily lives and relationships with their children. She integrates mindfulness, self-compassion, and effective communication strategies to support parents in creating a nurturing environment. Her approach aims to break the cycle of reactive parenting and foster kindness and confidence in children.
In addition to her parenting book and online courses, Hunter leads workshops and speaks at conferences on mindful parenting. She lives with her husband and two daughters in Delaware.
Raising Good Humans Quotes
“The only way out of our difficult feelings is through.”
“children tend to be terrible at doing what we say but great at doing what we do.”
“Treat a child as though he already is the person he’s capable of becoming.”
“Mindful Parents practice self-compassion and see their challenges as teachers, not flaws.”
“When we’re not meeting our own needs, we have nothing to give.”
“We often try to control our children’s feelings and behavior when actually it is our own internal experience that is triggering our upset feelings about their behavior.”
“When you love someone, the best thing you can offer is your presence. How can you love if you are not there?”