Book Summary – How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Parenting can be one of the most challenging yet fulfilling skills to master. In this parenting book, experts Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish present a down-to-earth, respectful approach to raising a cooperative child. They provide practical steps and techniques that are effective for developing mutual respect between parents and children, ensuring a harmonious parenting journey. In this free summary of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, we’ll outline key strategies that can improve and enrich your relationship with your child. These skills and insights are applicable to children of various ages and even adult-to-adult interactions, after all, everyone has an inner child!

Communicating Effectively with Kids

This book, first published in 1980, is based on the child-rearing philosophy of Dr. Haim Ginott. This 30th anniversary edition incorporates additional insights, tips and exercises which the authors have been using in their workshops over the years. This practical guidebook equips you with 6 essential skillsets for interacting effectively with children of all ages.

A parent-child relationship is extremely personal, and there’s no fixed or “right” way to communicate with your child. The authors recommend that you do the exercises in the book, record your responses and personalize the approach to suit you and your child’s nature, needs and relationship.

1. Help children to deal with their feelings

When children say things that make us angry, anxious or uncomfortable, we tend to deny those feelings or try to fix the issue. If your child says, “Daddy, I’m hungry”, you may insist “No you’re not, you just had lunch.” Or, you may offer an immediate solution: “If you’re hungry then get something to eat.”

What we feel is always right for us. And, when we’re upset, what we really want is empathy: someone to listen and acknowledge how we feel (“Gee, that sounded frustrating”). This helps us to open up and talk about the problem, which then allows us to start coping with the feeling and work things out.

It’s the same with children. They’re perfectly capable of helping themselves if they feel listened to and empathized with. In our complete 14-page summary of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, we’ll break down:

•  Common unhelpful responses, e.g. denying their feelings, giving advice, asking questions.

• 4 ways to help a child to deal with negative feelings: how to listen with full attention, acknowledge their feelings, name the feeling, and grant their wishes in fantasy.

• Examples of such phrases/approaches you can use, tips on exercising empathy, and exercises you can start with.

2. Engage cooperation

Children don’t seem to care about “proper behavior” no matter what we say/do. The more we push, the harder they resist. On the other hand, they have no qualms about telling us loudly and incessantly when there’s something they don’t like.

In our full 14-page free summary, we elaborate on:

•  The unhelpful approaches that adults use to get kids’ cooperation (e.g. threats, lecturing)

• The 5 skills to encourage cooperation without negative feelings: Describe the problem, provide information, say it with 1 word (instead of a long paragraph), describe your feelings (vs attacking their character), or write a note.

• Examples of how to apply each of the 5 skills, tips on gaining cooperation and exercises you can start with.

3. Use alternatives to punishment

If you’ve said or done all the “right” things and your child still won’t cooperate, you might notice feelings of helplessness and be tempted to resort to punishments. Parents often punish their children because they fear losing control in challenging situations or simply don’t know what else to do.

Unfortunately, punishments don’t lead to real regret or repentance. Instead of reflecting on their actions, a child in charge of processing punishment may focus on feelings of resentment or even fantasize about revenge. This distraction prevents sincere reflection and meaningful change. Just think back on how you felt as a child when you were punished—did it help you truly understand your mistakes, or did it just make you feel angry or misunderstood?

In our complete version of the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk summary, we expand on:

• Several alternatives to punishment: Instead of reacting to negative behavior with punishment, consider more effective approaches. You can point out a way to be helpful, express strong disapproval (without attacking their character), state your expectations, show the child how to make amends, offer a choice, take action if necessary, and allow them to experience the consequences of their misbehavior.
• Simplifying communication with children: In difficult situations, a lengthy explanation may not always work. Sometimes, a one-word explanation—such as “Towel” instead of “Pick up your wet towel from the floor”—can be more effective in getting a child’s attention without overwhelming them.
• Seeing the tools in action: If your child continues to struggle with cooperation even after using these techniques, you can apply the problem-solving approach outlined in the full summary to navigate these situations with confidence.
• Exercises you can try at home.

4. Encourage autonomy

One of the goals of parenting is to nurture children who are independent, responsible and competent. Yet, we’re often tempted to jump in to offer advice or do things for them. Someone who’s put in a dependent position may feel grateful but also frustrated, resentful and helpless.

In our full book summary, you can learn more about:

• The skills for nurturing independence and competence in your kids: Let them make choices, respect their struggles (instead of jumping in to do it for them), limit your questions, don’t rush to answer questions, don’t micromanage what they do, promote resources outside the home, and don’t kill their hope or ability to dream.

• Additional tips/exercises you can use.

5. Give descriptive praises

Parents play a vital role in shaping their children’s self-image and esteem. Unfortunately, most parents are quick to criticize and slow to offer plenty of praise. While constant criticisms are obviously unhelpful, not all praise is effective. Effective praise focuses on recognizing praiseworthy behavior rather than simply offering generic compliments. If praise feels insincere or exaggerated, a child may feel undeserving, become anxious about future performances, or even suspect manipulation.

In our complete version of the How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk summary, we’ll explain how to use descriptive praise , with examples, tips and exercises.

6. Free children from playing roles

It’s common for us to label our children with terms like “playful”, “mischievous”, “stubborn”, etc. These can create a self-fulfilling prophecy when a child begins to act in accordance with our expectations. Even if you don’t say the labels out loud, your child can still perceive your thoughts/feelings through your responses, body language or tone of voice.

Our complete book summary offers more details on:

• The 6 skills to liberate your child from playing out a role: Find or create opportunities to show the child a new picture of himself/ herself, let them overhear something positive about them, model the behavior, remind them of special moments, and state feelings/expectations.

• Additional tips/exercises you can use.

Getting the Most from this book

If you’d like to learn the specific tips involved in each of the skillsets above, do check out our full book summary bundle including a one-page infographic summary in pdf, 14-page text summary in pdf, and a 26-minute audio summary in mp3.

This is an extremely easy to read guidebook for parents. Each chapter comes with sample dialogues, cartoons, exercises, Q&As, and stories from other parents to help you to personalize your approach. For a full step-by-step guide, do purchase the book here.

Looking for more parenting tips?  Check out our summaries of No-Drama Discipline and The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read.

Who should read this:

• Parents, teachers, educators and people working with children.
• Anyone who wants to become better at improving their communication or parenting skills.

About the Authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk is written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.

Adele Faber (born 1928) graduated from Queens College with a B.A. in theater and drama, and earned her master’s degree in education from New York University. She taught in the New York City high schools for 8 years before joining the faculty of the New School for Social Research in New York and Family Life Institute of C.W. Post College of Long Island University. She is the mother of three children.

Elaine Mazlish (1925-2017) was an American author and parent educator who specialized in helping parents and teachers to communicate better with children. Mazlish was on the faculty of the New School for Social Research and the Family Life Institute of C.W. Post. Mazlish received a degree in theater arts from New York University, and taught/developed drama programs for children before raising her three children full-time.

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk Quotes

“What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing.”

“Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear.”

“It is when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.”

“Information is a lot easier to take than accusation.”

“The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.”

“Children will talk about what they want to talk about when they want to talk about it.”

“The process of searching for the answer is as valuable as the answer itself.”

Click here to download the full summary & infographic