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What are the Love Languages? Using them to Keep Love Tank Full

Are you enjoying a supportive and meaningful bond with your significant other? Do they feel the same way? We often form bonds through affection. Different forms of affection between spouses or partners (also known as love languages) exist. Understanding the common love languages and the theory behind how we express and receive love can be crucial to nurturing deep affection and connection with our partners. Assuming you’re keen on creating a meaningful bond with your partner, let’s start by answering the question, “What are the love languages?” before discussing how to cater to your partner’s preferred love languages.

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES

In his best-selling book, The Five Love Languages, Dr Gary Chapman explains that, like linguistics in communication, people speak different love languages.

We have our primary or native love languages, which we  we speak and understand best in. We also have our secondary language(s) that we are comfortable in but less fluent at.

If you are unsure about your primary love language, you can consider trying the free online questionnaire at the Five Love Languages website. The book also provides many useful tips on how to identify your primary and secondary love languages.
Five Love Languages_5 languagesLove Language #1: Words Of Affirmation

Words of affirmation are vital for those whose primary love language is words that communicate your love and appreciation for the other person. Basically, this love language revolves around verbal acknowledgments of affection, such as unsolicited compliments, affirming statements, and expressing love with reasons. These affirmations can significantly contribute to a happy relationship. Gary Chapman highlights that insults can cause deep emotional scars for individuals who thrive on positive verbal interactions. Using verbal affirmations can transform human relationships by making individuals feel valued and cherished.

Love Language #2: Quality Time

Quality time involves giving your partner undivided attention, sharing quality conversations, and engaging in focused time together. If this is your primary love language, you deeply value meaningful conversations and the presence of your spouse without distractions. Dr. Gary Chapman offers practical advice on how to prioritize and enjoy quality time, especially if it isn’t your natural love language. This might include activities like sharing a favorite coffee drink at a coffee shop or setting aside extra time for each other. In nonromantic relationships, quality time can also play a crucial role in fostering deep connections.

Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts

Receiving gifts as a primary love language is about valuing the thoughtfulness and effort behind the gesture rather than the monetary value. Visual symbols of love, such as thoughtful gifts, can make individuals feel appreciated and cherished. Absence of gifts, missed special occasions, or thoughtless gestures can be particularly hurtful. Gary Chapman suggests keeping a list of significant gifts that have excited your partner to understand their preferences better. This love language emphasizes the importance of displays of affection through tangible items, reinforcing emotional connections.

Love Language #4: Acts Of Service

Acts of service involve actions that help ease your partner’s burdens and share responsibilities, such as cooking a meal or doing household tasks. If this is your primary love language, you feel loved when your partner helps out willingly and proactively. Broken commitments, laziness, or an unwillingness to help can be detrimental to the relationship. Even among those who share this love language, different “dialects” might exist; for example, one might prefer help with household tasks, while the other values assistance in other areas. Acts of service underscore the significance of supportive actions in building strong, healthy relationships.

Love Language #5: Physical Touch

Physical touch is a powerful love language that conveys care and affection through physical intimacy. This includes thoughtful touches, hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical affection. For individuals whose primary love language is physical touch, neglect or abuse can cause severe emotional harm. Gary Chapman explains that, like other love languages, physical touch has different dialects, such as holding hands, sitting closely together, or engaging in sexual intimacy. Understanding these nuances is crucial for maintaining a deep connection and ensuring the emotional well-being of your partner.

Keeping your (and your spouses’s) “Love Tank” full
When we receive love in our primary love language, our “love tank” is filled and we feel loved. When we don’t receive love expressed in our primary love language, our love tank gradually depletes and we feel unloved. When our love tank is empty, issues is the relationship arise.
How full is your love tank right now?

The “Tank Check Game”

If you wish to deepen your relationship with your spouse and to stimulate the love expressions in your relationship, Dr Chapman recommends that you try out this simple game.  Five Love Languages_tank check game
• Write down what you think is your primary love language, then list the other 4 in order of importance. Also write down what you think is the primary love language of your spouse. Sit down and discuss your lists.
• For 3 times a week for 3 weeks, do a “Tank Check” with your spouse:
(i) Ask “On a scale of 0-10, how is your love tank tonight?”
(ii)Then ask “What could I do to help fill it?” and do what your spouse requests to the best of your ability
(iii)The top requests are likely to cluster around your primary love language.
Before you say “nah, that’s too much effort”, or “my spouse would never be interested”, ask yourself – Do you want to feel understood and loved? How would your life be different if you could feel as “in love” as you did when you first met your spouse / partner?

For more tips and details on the five love languages, check out our online summary of the book, or buy a copy of the book online. You can also purchase a copy of our book summaries and 1-page book infographic, so you can review the key tips and actionable insights at a glance, anytime, anywhere!

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